Journal


Click to expand entries! Newer entries are towards the top!

June 23rd, 2024 - Entry XXV

Man, it's really hard to keep track of the days right now. All I do is sleep and watch Netflix and YouTube. I'm trying so hard to work on a ref sheet for one of my OCs before Art Fight starts but I'm so so tired! I barely do anything and I get sleepy.

Hopefully this will go away as I recover. Not knowing what day it is is really disorienting

June 21st, 2024 - Entry XXIV

Spent much of the day sleeping again. My cat slept under my blanket with me for awhile, which was very nice. I really should be doing art for Art Fight but boy I've been far too tired! Hopefully I'll be feeling better once Art Fight actually starts so I can knock off an attack or two.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Back to sleeping I go!

June 20th, 2024 - Entry XXIII

I forgot to write a journal entry yesterday because the meds I'm on have made me so drowsy I can't keep track of time LOL. Luckily, not much has happened. I've been sleeping a ton but that's about it.

My mom is changing the lightbulb on the lamp next to my recliner in the living room so I don't have to ask for help turning it on and off, I'll have a remote for it instead. After that we have to change my bandages and then I can go back to sleep lol.

My pain has been very well managed throughout this so I'm not in much pain at all ever.

June 18th, 2024 -Entry XXII

MEDICAL / BLOOD WARNING

Wowie! first of all, my pain has been expertly managed! I feel really good honestly, just super tired. All the nurses were super nice and great at their jobs. The surgeon was also super nice and great at his job!

I went home at around 11 (1.5ish hour drive). The drive was pretty uneventful, I nodded off a few times but the rest of the drive was spent talking to my mom (the driver) and listening to music.

When we got home it was pretty easy to get comfy in my recliner. I sat there, watched some Netflix and nodded off again. The real excitement happened when we tried to change my bandages at around 7?

So I had 2 drains in, one on either side, and only one of them was collecting drainage. We had talked to the surgeon before we left about it and he was unconcerned. Unfortunately, when we moved the bandages away out came a bunch of drainage AROUND the drain, spilling down my leg! Not good! So we drove to the ER where they called my surgeon and were told to just remove the drain entirely on that side. So they pulled it out! Ooof! it had been kinked just below the skin, so of course it wasn't collecting drainage! Now I just have a gap in my stitches were drainage will leak into some gauze.

Here's to no more excitement!

June 17th, 2024 -Entry XXI

This is written on my phone, sorry!

top surgery went super well! I haven't seen what I look like yet but I feel so much better. I'll be heading home tomorrow and will make a longer journal entry the!

June 16th, 2024 - Entry XX

Wow, less than 24 hours until my top surgery... I'm anxious yet it doesn't feel real! I have pretty much everything ready, I just have a few things to pack in the morning (my laptop, for one, so I can update my journal!) and I have to shower with special soap tonight and in the morning, doctor's orders.

I kinda slept all day. I was exhausted from yesterday's walking and took a bunch of naps today. That's ok, I didn't have much I needed to do today since I've been packing for well over a week for this. Everything I could need has been moved so I can reach them without stretching or crouching, including clothes and snacks.

The DM for my pathfinder group just reached out to check on my mom and me because we've had the game on pause for awhile due to just how busy we've been. As soon as I'm feeling well enough I hope to get the game started up again!

I think that's all I have to say today. Wish me luck for tomorrow, ok?

June 15th, 2024 - Entry XIX

Today was the Ren Faire! I had a lot of fun & will talk more about that in the short article I'm writing about it, which will be posted tomorrow (hopefully). I had a lot of fun and was invited to an anime convention in September, as well as next year's Ren Faire! Monday is my top surgery, so I have lots of stuff to double check tomorrow, but I should be all set other than washing my bedding and such.

My feet hurt from walking so much, but it was a ton of fun. I can't wait until next year!

June 14th, 2024 - Entry XVIII

Tomorrow my busy weekend starts! I'll be up bright and early (around 7 am) to finish getting ready for the Ren Faire! My friend will pick me up and we'll leave town at 9 am! We'll be in Fargo (where the Faire is) at around 10:30 to pick up our other friend and head to the Faire!

I'm really excited! I had so much fun last year, I hope this year is just as fun. I'm tempted to buy a sword while I'm there, but I'm torn because I'll be carrying a walking stick everywhere (I'm disabled LOL) so I don't know how a sort would look with that. I'll make my decision when I see the price tags probably!

Well, I'm pretty much ready to go, all that's left is to pack food in the morning! Goodnight!

June 13th, 2024 - Entry XVII Today was pretty normal. I went to work. Did work things. Chatted with my coworkers... That's about it honestly? I can't think of anything to talk about today.
June 12th, 2024 - Entry XVI

I got a call from the surgeon's nurse today regarding my top surgery. God I was so nervous thinking she was calling because the surgery was cancelled. Again. But no! it was just a bunch of pre-op instructions. So we're still on for Monday! Yippee!

In other news, I got shot in the ass today (testosterone shot) and then had to work 5pm-8pm. I hate working evenings, they're soooo boring! And the person I worked with today is so talkative! Literally every half hour he'd come downstairs and just start talking T-T I'm so bad at conversation!

Other than that, today was uneventful! Which I suppose is a good thing! No news is good news or whatever.

June 11th, 2024 - Entry XV

Today was pretty average. I worked from 10-2 and spent most of that time blacking out barcodes on withdrawn books. I also helped my coworker with planning future storytimes! I suggested doing one on first responders and mentioned my friend is an EMT. My coworker asked if I'd ask if he'd be willing to read a couple books to kids in October! I asked him and he hasn't responded yet LOL.

I got pretty sick about half an hour before my shift ended but I fought through it! I'm in a pretty bad stomach flare up, so eating anything is a gamble. Today all I did was eat some fruit snacks and that was enough to trigger a painful stomach ache :(. I'm ok though! I survived!

In other news, I'm on the hunt for new recipes! It's been awhile since I tried something new! If anyone actually reads my journal entries and has some good recipes (anything as long as it doesn't have nuts, corn, or carrots!) please send them to me~! my email is ansehelm.onlywonder@gmail.com

my top surgery date is quickly approaching and I'm getting more and more antsy about it... Wish me luck, okay?

June 10th, 2024 - Entry XIV

I woke up early again today. Spent the morning chatting on discord and not much else.

I worked 12-5 today and spent most of that time shifting books, which takes A Lot of effort and time. When I took a break from shifting books I got a chance to read some manga. I'm currently on volume 2 of Magus of The Library! It's really good so far. The art style is gorgeous and I love the character design.

I'm still in a pretty bad stomach flare up so I'm currently ~in pain~ but I will survive I guess

As my top surgery date draws closer I'm getting more and more worried about insurance denying me, but there's nothing I can do about that so I'm trying not to think about it until it does or does not happen

June 9th, 2024 - Entry XIII

Wow today feels like it's dragging on! I woke up early and haven't been tired enough for a nap, which is very very rare for me! I went shopping this morning for supplies to make patches for my jacket. My mom cleaned the whole house in anticipation of my top surgery, making sure all my stuff is easy to access. I finished the bag for my next cosplay (pretty much, there's one thing left to do) with her help, and she also altered my ren faire pants so they fit better.

And all that was done by 3pm! I have everything ready for ren faire and top surgery, I just need to pack the day before each of them. I'm so excited!

The friend who is taking me to the ren faire messaged me last night checking in on me, making sure I still wanted to go! I'm so so excited! My costume is pretty much the same as last year with some improvements (like the bag and the boots!), I'll be sure to post pictures of my fit like I did last year!

I also sat and watched my mom and older sibling fish for awhile! That was nice!!

June 8th, 2024 - Entry XII

Hello, it's me again! I worked today, all alone in the children's library...until the library director came in to work in his office, just a few feet from the children's desk. Well, before he got there I printed off and cut out some stencils for my jacket! I'm gonna make patches! I'm excited! Let's ignore the fact I was doing that instead of like. Shelf reading or something. Ya know, library things.

The rest of the work day was sooooo boring! I shelf read for like an hour (oof) and then watched movies/DVDs that were mended to make sure they didn't skip anymore. Not movies I'm interested in. No. I was forced to watch Duck Dynasty episodes and the end of a Batman movie (only the ending because someone else already reviewed the majority of the movie).

When I got home my family went fishing so I took a nap (I don't like fishing, I'd just sit there and listen to music lol). It was a very good 2 hour nap. Then I cleaned out my snack cupboard in anticipation of my top surgery (8 days left!). My family got home shortly after that so I didn't start any other projects LOL.

I have some Ren Faire stuff I have to locate, and I have to decorate my walking stick (my mom gave it to me, since I use a cane when I do a lot of walking! She figured a walking stick would suit the event better). I also need to buy some tissues for my bag, since last year I got makeup in my eye and DIED because I didn't have tissues! Oh, and I have to alter my pants to fit better. I'm short and fat so I had to buy a 2xl and the company clearly expected a tall person when making these pants smh. I'll be doing that tomorrow with help from my mom (I'm still a novice sewist).

Been listening to a lot of XAAXAA recently... figured I'd give them a quick shout out since they're occupying my brain so much! They're a Visual Kei band~ I should make a list of the VKei bands I like eventually!

June 7th, 2024 - Entry XI

Not too much happened today. I cleaned my room a bit more, it's good enough for now. I also had to run into work to pick up a new key finally. My boss wasn't there though! So I had to ask one of my coworkers where she kept the new keys! Luckily she was able to find them and give me one.

While I was there I printed off fishing licenses for my siblings and mom (I don't like fishing lol). I paid for one of them as a gift for my older sibling.

I tried decorating a walking stick with fake leaves but the tape I bought wasn't working very well, so I'll have to find a different way to decorate it... I have only a week to do so so I'll likely just skip it for this year's Ren Faire.

I also have to alter my Ren Faire pants to fit better, which I will likely do tomorrow after work.

June 6th, 2024 - Entry X

I believe this makes 7 consecutive days of journaling! Cool beans. Anyway, I worked today and spent half of it shelving books again. After I finished shelving books I was tasked with moving picture books down a shelf to make more room for easy reader books.

It's a huge project and I didn't even get halfway done! There ended up being an entire shelf of space in the middle of the picture books so, before I headed home, I had to make a picture book display so the blank space wouldn't look so ugly. I ended up doing a book display on colors but was very careful to avoid 'pride' imagery (like rainbows) because we try to stay ~non-political~ with the children's stuff. Which is lame but whatever.

Other than work, nothing interesting has happened today. My cat is still claiming that blanket, he's just too cute. Here's a recent-ish picture of him sleeping on my lap, coincidentally on the blanket he refuses to let me wash.

Well, enjoy the cat picture. I'm gonna try and find something to entertain me (I'm between hyperfixations, sadly lol).

June 5th, 2024 - Entry IX

I slept most of today, oops. My mom and I both think I might have narcolepsy, but it's one of those diagnosis that is a matter of eliminating all other possibilities. Either way, I sleep way more than I should need to. Slept from 10pm to 2pm today :/ I was up briefly to move myself from my bed to the chair in the living room but other than that I was out cold.

So I didn't get around to cleaning my room, which was my goal today. Maybe I'll at least do a bit before bed... We'll see how tired I am then (currently fighting to keep my eyes open and it's only 7pm...)

We went to the store today, I was hoping to buy washi tape there but they didn't have any so I bought from Jet Pens again. I spend way too much money on that site LOL.

Anyway, there was a dust storm up by the store so getting to and from the car was a disaster. Of course I made the bad decision to wear a hat and it tried to blow away! In my (successful) attempt to get my hat I dropped my phone on the concrete -_- Luckily the screen protector didn't crack any more than it was already! I almost drove away without it though because I didn't notice when it slipped out of my pocket!

In other news, my cat's boo-boos are healing nicely. He's feeling better overall too! Less clingy is always a good sign with him, he usually gets super clingy when he's not feeling well. He's also been sleeping on a blanket in the laundry room that's waiting to be washed. I swear anytime I think of washing it he's laying there so cute! I can't disturb his sleeps, ya know?

June 4th, 2024 - Entry VIII

Another day another journal entry! First up I have to complain. The city library's back door's key was changed so I asked my boss for a new one and she didn't have one for me. I open on Saturday so I need a new key before then. Problem is, I don't work over at the city library anymore this week. I work over at the county library Thursday and I'm off Wednesday and Friday. So I have to make a special trip to the city library just to get a key smh. How annoying!

In other news! I worked in the children's section of the city library today watching the desk during story time. We had 20 kids for story time, which was already a good turn out, but then... The learning center in town brought 15 kids over... Our poor library is not set up for that many people. Oh it was so overwhelming! I was the only one at the desk for awhile there too!

I was so so glad when everyone left and I could BREATH... The rest of my shift was pretty average. Got paint on my hands while prepping take-n-make kits though LOL.

I got super sick after I got home though! I'm in a chronic illness flare up and it thankfully didn't bother me until I got home but OOF did it kick my ass. I almost threw up and had to lock myself in the bathroom for awhile orz

Well, I think that's it for today!

June 3rd, 2024 - Entry VII

Another day another journal entry! Today I went to work for 2.5 hours and then I had my pre-op with my primary care doctor. I am healthy enough for surgery (yippee).

My poor cat scratched his head bloody again, so we had to run to the vet and get him some meds for it (a steroid for the swelling and an ointment to promote healing). The meds & the visit came to $65... oof. He's lucky he's the light of my life! I adore him!

I am so so tired today but if I go to bed now my body will consider it a nap and I'll be awake in a few hours. So I've got to stay awake until at LEAST 10!

June 2nd, 2024 - Entry VI

progress on my cosplay. Chronic fatigue makes this a slow process but any progress is good progress, yeah? I'm so close to done with the bag, then I have a few miscellaneous things I can work on before I have my top surgery on the 17th. Once I've recovered from that I can finally work on the jumpsuit.

Other than that, I didn't do much today. It was a lazy day and now it's storming so I'm pretty content (I love rain and storms!). I only work 12-2:30 tomorrow instead of the usual 12-5. I have my pre-op with my primary care provider at 3.

I am also waiting a reply from my gender therapist, and if he doesn't message back tomorrow I'll be messaging him again. I'm so anxious to get the OK from insurance. If they deny me again I don't know what I'd do. I've followed all their arbitrary rules so I should be good

Oh wow the storm is really picking up. I should hurry up an upload this in case the power goes out! Bye!

June 1st, 2024 - Entry V

Hello, it's me again! I'm trying to journal daily, so be prepared for short entries! I've been working slowly on some sewing for my next Cosplay (Nico from Nanbaka). The instructions for the next step are pretty confusing though so I'm going to see if I can convince my mom to help me tomorrow!

Otherwise not much has happened since yesterday. My family is currently getting ready to go fishing (I'm staying home because I don't like fishing + it's going to be fairly busy due to it being a free fishing weekend, meaning you don't need a license to fish).

My mood is pretty good today. probably a 4/5. I'm just chillin'

May 31st, 2024 - Entry IV My top surgery date is getting close. Just a few more weeks... I am so so excited but so so nervous! I also am going to the Ren Faire 2 days before surgery so I'm excited about that too. I have so many checklists and plans made. My new bullet journal is going to come in handy lol. I'll be starting to use it daily tomorrow (wanted to wait until the start of a new month) but I've already set up a few spreads so I don't HAVE to rewrite the same stuff daily (I'm basing most of the bujo on the bujoRPG system!). Anyway, wish me luck!
May 26th, 2024 - Entry III HI! It's been awhile again, oops! Anyway, I went on a short vacation with my family! My aunt rented a cabin on Mantrap Lake in Minnesota and we spent a day exploring Bemidji.

The first night was pouring rain so we just stayed inside and got settled.

The next day, we visited the Beltrami County History Center! It was pretty cool and I bought a postcard for my penpal and a t-shirt!

After that we started following the Sculpture Walk, starting at Paul Bunyan and Babe. The sculptures we saw were all made of metal and were really neat! Along the way we came across my favorite place we visited, the Headwaters Science Center. There was a LOT of cool stuff there, including some rabbits, fish, an axolotl, and a bunch of reptiles and amphibians. My brother held like 4 different snakes!

I bought some small things from the giftshop there too! I got some crystals, including a tiger eye necklace! I also bought some weird dice! I got 2 'double dice', which are a d6 inside a transparent d6, 3 mini d6s (which are so so small!), and a ladybug themed d6 for my Penpal, who likes bugs.

Afterwards, I took a short nap before joining my family at the beach / dock behind the cabin. We had got a fishing license for my older sibling as a surprise so ne went fishing and caught like 5 small fish! We didn't keep any of them because they were so small but it was still fun seeing how excited ne got each time ne caught something!

The water was SO COLD so I only stuck my feet in the water. My cousins and little brother played on some paddle boards and searched for snail shells. They found a really big one that was empty!

I had a lot of fun and I'm glad I agreed to go with.

April 12th, 2024 - Entry II So much for updating weekly LOL oops. Well, not too much has happened. I work for a library system (2 libraries that work together) and one of the libraries (the City Library) needed some flooring repairs so it's been closed for a week and likely won't open until next week. That means a bunch of the people who work at the City Library have been over at the County Library and boy has it been crowded. 7 librarians at that small of a library? Hellish. half of us had nothing to do!

And don't get me started on the fact we've been open for the City Library hours (9:30-8) rather than the County's usual hours (12-5).None of our patrons really know that we've been open for those hours so the people who have been working from 4-8 get like zero patrons. The night I worked 4-8 me and my coworker ended up just talking about retro video games, anime, manga, and JRock for 3 hours. It was fun but like. That's not what work should be, ya know? I felt like it was a waste of time more than anything!

Anyway, enough about work. I forgot I was a human with friends for like. 3? months? and just. didn't message anyone back oops... I replied to someone's Snap story yesterday and his response was "YOU! where have you BEEN" which made me realize that I've been doing that. It's something I do pretty often but I usually at least message my sorta-partner since he gets upset if I don't message first sometimes (rightfully so I guess?) but I forgor. He's not mad thankfully lmao.

March 27th, 2024 - Entry I Wow it's been awhile! I haven't written a journal entry since 2023... oops! Well, I'm here now so let's sumamrize some recent happenings!

This year I started working regularly over at the County Library rather than just the City Library. Both libraries are in the same city and work together as a Library System so it's not like I got a new job or anything, just moved to a different location for the majority of my shifts.

I don't mind much. The County Library is closer to my house so I walk home on a regular basis, which is super nice. We also have more to do than during the evenings at the City Library, which was what I was working previously. Now I work daytime at both locations, just more at the County Library.

I started working with a medical advocate and a social worker so they're helping me get food stamps and assistance with bills, as well as helping me get physical therapy and councelling/therapy (which I have had a hard time getting because the rest of my family gets councelling through our local clinic and the therapists don't like councelling multiple family members. There just aren't enough therapists at the clinic, so we're looking elsewhere for me). I haven't had therapy (excluding gender therapy) since I was a teen so I'm nervous but GOD do I need it lol.

Recently, I went to a my state's capital city for an appointment and stopped at Barnes & Noble. I bought so so many graphic novels I had so much fun lol.

I also got my problem teeth pulled finally! After 6 months of AGONY I feel so so much better. Recovery was a BREEZE compared to the pain I was in before. Wisdom teeth suck so so much I am so glad mine are gone.

Now, future things... I have a(nother) top surgery consultation on April 17th. I hope we can get my top surgery scheduled ASAP so I can go off of Testosterone (something I've wanted for like 6 months, but insurance refuses to pay for my surgery without me being on T for a year prior to it (*  ̄︿ ̄)). Like don't get me wrong T is awesome and did cool things to my body, but I'm where I want to be now and the only benefit to staying on T right now is the lack of periods.

My primary care provider is 100% on board with getting me a hysteretomy as birth control though so that's cool. Would love to get rid of the Problem Organ.

Anyway, I'm super excited about the chance of Top Surgery... I've been invited to a Ren Faire and an Anime Convention but have avoided making plans purely because I'd rather have my tits gone than enjoy a day out with friends. I'd enjoy both the Ren Faire and the Anime Convention so so much more if I was flat chested, ya know? I have costumes in the works for both though, just incase I'm able to go lol.

In other future news: I'm saving up for a gaming laptop! It's gonna cost me like $2000+ USD so it's gonna take a hot second to save up for but I'm gonna do it ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ Wish me luck (and consider commissioning me for art?)! I'm gonna TRY (hard emphasis on try) to write journal entries at least once a month, prefereably closer to once a week, but we'll see how that goes. No promises lol.


Past Entries!

2023
December 26th, 2023 - Entry XVI First journal entry in awhile! Christmas was good. My family exchanged our gifts a week early because we just couldn't wait. My mom baked so many cookies and brownies and other goodies and set aside 4 tins of cookies for my partner as a birthday/Christmas gift to him. She's so sweet.

For Christmas I got Pokemon cards from my older sibling (YIPPEE), $20 from my younger brother (he didn't know what to get me lol), pins from my partner (his main gift to me is still in the mail), and other stuff I'm forgetting.

I'm looking forward to New Year's. We always start a game of Monopoly on New Year's Eve and finish it on New Year's Day. It's fun. Also, I got a head start on my New Year's Resolution (learn Japanese) and have been re-learning kana (I've tried learning Japanese in the past lol). Duolingo has changed a lot since I last used it...

Friday, January 5th, I'll be getting my hair dyed again finally. I miss being green so much lol. It's been like a year. My hair has grown out so much but the ends are still a greenish brown. That's not good enough for me though! I wanna be so green! A nice dark moss green!

In other news, my wisdom teeth are growing in and it hurts so bad and I can't get them out until mid January so I'm living on pain meds and icepacks. I misplaced my pain meds when I was having a good few days so I'm lucky my mom is on the same prescription I am (don't take other people's meds, kids, don't be like me). I'm really sick of my painn being at a constant dull 6, and all the meds do is keep it from getting up to a 10 (and keep in mind, I have chronic pain, so I probably rate things lower than a normal person!). I'm really sick of this.

Oh, I also finally got my birthday gifts from my beloved penpal! He went to a seaside town and bought a cool keychain that reminded him of my Original Characters (specifically Asu)! He also got me other little trinkets like a frog made of wires and some fridge magnets.

I'm so jealous, I wish I lived anywhere near the sea. I want to see a real life tall ship someday but I live in North Dakota so that's not happening anytime soon.

Anyway, look forward to New Year's Day, I'll be uploading my new mobile responsive homepage that day!

October 21st, 2023 - Entry XV Hello again! Ahhhh it's performance review season at work and I'm so nervous. I don't really have a reason to be nervous I just am!!

Other than that things have been pretty mellow. Work has been boring, really. We've been super understaffed but we make do. Tonight I'm gonna taste my first bit of alcohol (strawberry watermelon wine!) and nap probably. I am so sleepy lately, it's not fun.

Been watching Chainsaw Man with my brother. It's So Good. I'm obsessed. I'm so normal about Angel Devil (He hasn't been introduced yet, but I read 11 volumes of the manga so I know I love him).

Tatsuki Fujimoto my beloved. I think he's my favorite manga artist at this point.

October 12th, 2023 - Entry XIV Hello! I have managed to recover from Covid! I'm still quite exhausted, but I feel way better than I had when I was in the thick of it. Well enough for work, at least! I intend to do some coding when I have time off work (so Friday, probably).

The main page on my list to update is my Kouha shrine. It's suuuuper lame right now, and honestly has been in need of an update since I uploaded it. I've been in a Magi mood so I've been thinking about my beloved Kouha a lot haha. I'm in the middle of an illustration of him and Judar that I may put up on the shrine if it turns out well enough.

My birthday presents from myself have arrived! Or the first package, at least. 11 volumes of Chainsaw Man and the 30th anniversary Dragon Quest illustration book! I accidentally over-spent a bit though, oops. I don't buy myself stuff very often though so I don't feel too bad. Plus I don't really get anything for my birthday IRL so it's ok to splurge on myself, yeah?

Anyway, I'm 21 now! old enough to drink. I don't really intend on drinking like. Ever. But I want to at least try something once, so my mom will be helping me find a watermelon wine! I have a lot of allergies so it's going to be difficult but she's determined haha. Other than that I plan on being a once-in-a-blue-moon drinker. I'm never around drinkers, my mom drinks a beer like once a month and my partner is 100% sober and has never drank anything, so it's not like I'll be missing out.

Well, it's 1am and I am tired so I better upload this before I pass out! I open AND close at the county library tomorrow (which is only 5 hours but I'm disabled) and I haven't stepped foot in there in nearly a year. I usually work at the city library but we're short staffed all around ヽ( ̄ω ̄〃)ゝ wish me luck.

September 24th, 2023 - Entry XIII Ha. Last wednesday (I think, I can't remember exactly) I found out my top surgery was cancelled. Again. This time because insurance changed their policy on top surgery requiring HRT. The new rule is 12 months here, and I'm only on month 5 (almost 6). So. That's not great for me. I'll use some of the money I saved up for groceries on a binder because I grew out of mine last year and have been avoiding spending money on a new one since I was looking forward to not having anything to bind. I also spent some of the money on manga as a birthday present to myself (October 8th!) which will be here in two seperate orders, one coming before the 8th and one after lol. So at least I have something to look forward to I guess.

Honestly, I didn't have my hopes up for top surgery actually happening so I'm not really upset I guess? My mom is upset. She's pisssed on my behalf. As is my psychologist. He had written such a good letter telling insurance why I needed top surgery before the 12 months but they ignore it, unfortunately.

Also, Halloween is soon! I didn't plan a new costume because I was expecting to be recovering which is unfortunate, but I plan on wearing my comfort cosplay, Nico from Nanbaka in his Escape B4 outfit, when I hand out candy at the Frontier Village here in town. I hand out candy there every year.

After Halloween is Thanksgiving and Christmas, my least favorite holidays. I have food allergies and my family loves food so those two holidays are basically me watching people eat food I can't have while I eat the same things I always eat. But at least I get like. 50 bucks.

September 16th, 2023 - Entry XII I'm so bad about journaling lmao. Anyway! Hi, it's been awhile. Nothing much has happened, really. My top surgery is (hopefully) next week, but I'm having some insurance issues so who knows, maybe we'll get to cancellation #3. I'm so anxious about this. I don't want to think about what will happen to my mental state if it's cancelled again but unfortunately my top surgery is pretty much the only thing on my mind. Wish me luck, I guess.
August 5th, 2023 - Entry XI It's been awhile! sadly my top surgery was post poned. Again. Until the end of September. So I've been hella depressed about that (and only just managed to take the countdown down, oops. Maybe I'll put up a new one, maybe not.), but thanks to a medication change and a new top surgery date to look forward to, I'm starting feeling better! Next weekend I'm going to a Ren Faire in my state with a couple friends. I still haven't finished sewing my tabard, but I'll finish that this weekend hopefully haha.
June 9th, 2023 - Entry X Oh Boy lots has happened. My top surgery was post-poned until the end of the month (I just updated the countdown to reflect that). OUr rent was raised drastically so we have to move by the end of the month. I decided I'm not moving out because my health has been shit and I don't think I could physically handle a full time job. Plus my family needs my income. I've been like suuuper depressed and spend most of my time sleeping. IDK, things have been rough lol.
May 7th, 2023 - Entry IX I might have roommates lined up for December! I'm excited to move out but also so so nervous. My two friends invited me to join them when they move to the bigger city an hour away. My folks will be movong a state away soon and the bigger city is closer so I'm definitely okay with that. I just. Have to look for a job again. I've been at my current job for 2 years as of the end of this month, so I'm pretty comfortable with it. I hope I'm able to get a job at the library in the bigger city too. I enjoy working at the library here.
April 3rd, 2023 - Entry VIII I STARTED TESTOSTERONE TODAY!! I wasn't expecting to start today but at the end of my appointment with the Endocrinologist he turned to me and asked if I wanted my first dose! Of COURSE I said yes! I even got to keep the vial :)
March 13th, 2023 - Entry VII Been working on a lot of projects lately! From coding to art to 3d modeling, I've been keeping busy.
February 23rd, 2023 - Entry VI

Whooooo Snow Day! I got the day off AND I'm paid for it! I've been getting into sewing so I worked on a few projects today.

Pther than that not much interesting has happened. I've been pretty sleepy lately. I got a fitbit a few days ago and already I'm seeing that my sleep is shit lol. Only 6 hours a night? Jeez. I have no idea what to do to fix that unfortunately.

February 16th, 2023 - Entry V I was going to have a 4 day weekend because the Library is closed on Monday, but I got called in last minute so only the usual 3 day weekend for me lol.

Anyway, I've started prepping a D&D campaign for me and my friends! I'm super excited about it. I hope it goes well, but considering I'm the one DMing it, I shouldn't get my hopes up aha.

I haven't heard much from my partner, I'm trying not to bother him too much. I'm worried I'm annoying lol. If I leave him be then he can message me whenever HE wants to chat, that way I'm not annoying and I don't interrupt him at all :)

February 12th, 2023 - Entry IV I'm gonna be in the play! It's written by a local author so it'll be the first time it's ever on stage :) I'm excited. My part is fairly minor but it's very fun. I didn't realize how much I missed doing plays in school until now haha.

About my partner ignoring me: I was wrong. He was Going Through It and wasn't talking to anyone, really. I feel bad for jumping to conclusions, but communication is important, ya know? How am I supposed to be a decent partner when I can't even get a hold of you?

All the stuff I ordered for my top surgery recovery has arrived! Now I just need to thrift shop for button-ups and zip-up sweaters! My partner has been planning on taking me shopping for awhile now, so I plan on pestering him into taking me to Goodwill.

February 5th, 2023 - Entry III My partner claims he's not ignoring me but it still feels like it. I'm definitely gonna stop messaging first... This sucks so bad. I kinda feel sick to my stomach. It's just anxiety... Gotta convince myself of that so I can chill.

On a positive note, I auditioned for a play. I hope I get a decent part lol. I even admitted I'm a trans man and would prefer a male part :) I was worried I'd chicken out entirely so I'm really proud of myself!

February 1st, 2023 - Entry II I think my partner is ignoring me. It's very likely that I'm over-reacting / worrying too much but it seems like he's ignoring my texts. And I can't just call him because he has a wack sleep / work schedule because he's an EMT. I don't want to wake him or interrupt him, ya know? So I only text him. It's frustrating. I think I'm gonna stop texting first for awhile...

My mom gave me a $60 amazon gift card she got from work for me to buy stuff for my recovery from top surgery I bought a special pillow and bags to hold the drains! I'm so excited. I also scheduled an appointment with my gender therapist for a month before surgery. I'm so so excited. I can't wait.

January 29th, 2023 - Entry I Summing up January, it wasn't all that bad. Looking at the mood tracker I keep, it was pretty neutral. I think there were 2 'good' days. I believe the first one was from when I finally got my top surgery date, and the other was from the (very late) staff holiday party I attended a few days ago for the library I work at. But yeah. I'm doing ok!

My top surgery date is June 7th, if we can get some insurance problems handled. I am so so excited but also so nervous. Mostly nervous that insurance won't work out. Less nervous about the actual permanently-body-altering surgery. I also talked to my gender therapist about hormones and have an appointment about that in February I think. I have so many appointments coming up it's hard to keep track of them all.

My christmas present to myself finally arrived yesterday. Ya know. A month after christmas... It's SID's OUTSIDER album! The special edition B version listened to 8/11 tracks last night before deciding to watch some netflix lol. It's not like I haven't heard the songs before! I just like owning physical copies! For funsies! I plan on listening to the last 3 songs and then watching the bonus DVD I wasn't expecting to get (I honestly didn't know I ordered a special edition version bc the site was in Japanese lol).

Christmas kinda sucked to be honest. I got a sweater, some pokemon cards, and the CD I bought for myself. That's it. I was pretty happy about that until I went over to my partner, Maven's place and he showed me all the things his friends and family bought him and I just kinda. Sat there trying to be happy for him. One of his gifts was clearly expensive. What's worse is my gift to him was so so lame compared to everything he got. I drew him with a scyth with his insta handle on it, and ordered a t-shirt of it since he wants to make himself into a #brand. He definitely lied when he said that it was the best gift he got. Compared to a record player? With his favorite album? Oof. I've felt bad about it for a month!

And I haven't gotten anything from him yet because he wants to take me shopping and has been super busy. So I kinda feel forgotten about but it's fine. It's not like he's my only IRL friend or anything (he is in fact my only IRL friend).

This entry was far longer than I intended it to be, but I needed to cover a lot, ok!?...Tomorrow I have a staff meeting at 8-9, then I have work from 4-8, then I'm staying the night at Maven's place. Far busier than my usual Monday, but I should be alright lol.