Journal


December 26th, 2023 - Entry XVI

First journal entry in awhile! Christmas was good. My family exchanged our gifts a week early because we just couldn't wait. My mom baked so many cookies and brownies and other goodies and set aside 4 tins of cookies for my partner as a birthday/Christmas gift to him. She's so sweet.

For Christmas I got Pokemon cards from my older sibling (YIPPEE), $20 from my younger brother (he didn't know what to get me lol), pins from my partner (his main gift to me is still in the mail), and other stuff I'm forgetting.

I'm looking forward to New Year's. We always start a game of Monopoly on New Year's Eve and finish it on New Year's Day. It's fun. Also, I got a head start on my New Year's Resolution (learn Japanese) and have been re-learning kana (I've tried learning Japanese in the past lol). Duolingo has changed a lot since I last used it...

Friday, January 5th, I'll be getting my hair dyed again finally. I miss being green so much lol. It's been like a year. My hair has grown out so much but the ends are still a greenish brown. That's not good enough for me though! I wanna be so green! A nice dark moss green!

In other news, my wisdom teeth are growing in and it hurts so bad and I can't get them out until mid January so I'm living on pain meds and icepacks. I misplaced my pain meds when I was having a good few days so I'm lucky my mom is on the same prescription I am (don't take other people's meds, kids, don't be like me). I'm really sick of my painn being at a constant dull 6, and all the meds do is keep it from getting up to a 10 (and keep in mind, I have chronic pain, so I probably rate things lower than a normal person!). I'm really sick of this.

Oh, I also finally got my birthday gifts from my beloved penpal! He went to a seaside town and bought a cool keychain that reminded him of my Original Characters (specifically Asu)! He also got me other little trinkets like a frog made of wires and some fridge magnets.

I'm so jealous, I wish I lived anywhere near the sea. I want to see a real life tall ship someday but I live in North Dakota so that's not happening anytime soon.

Anyway, look forward to New Year's Day, I'll be uploading my new mobile responsive homepage that day!


October 21st, 2023 - Entry XV

Hello again! Ahhhh it's performance review season at work and I'm so nervous. I don't really have a reason to be nervous I just am!!

Other than that things have been pretty mellow. Work has been boring, really. We've been super understaffed but we make do. Tonight I'm gonna taste my first bit of alcohol (strawberry watermelon wine!) and nap probably. I am so sleepy lately, it's not fun.

Been watching Chainsaw Man with my brother. It's So Good. I'm obsessed. I'm so normal about Angel Devil (He hasn't been introduced yet, but I read 11 volumes of the manga so I know I love him).

Tatsuki Fujimoto my beloved. I think he's my favorite manga artist at this point.


October 12th, 2023 - Entry XIV

Hello! I have managed to recover from Covid! I'm still quite exhausted, but I feel way better than I had when I was in the thick of it. Well enough for work, at least! I intend to do some coding when I have time off work (so Friday, probably).

The main page on my list to update is my Kouha shrine. It's suuuuper lame right now, and honestly has been in need of an update since I uploaded it. I've been in a Magi mood so I've been thinking about my beloved Kouha a lot haha. I'm in the middle of an illustration of him and Judar that I may put up on the shrine if it turns out well enough.

My birthday presents from myself have arrived! Or the first package, at least. 11 volumes of Chainsaw Man and the 30th anniversary Dragon Quest illustration book! I accidentally over-spent a bit though, oops. I don't buy myself stuff very often though so I don't feel too bad. Plus I don't really get anything for my birthday IRL so it's ok to splurge on myself, yeah?

Anyway, I'm 21 now! old enough to drink. I don't really intend on drinking like. Ever. But I want to at least try something once, so my mom will be helping me find a watermelon wine! I have a lot of allergies so it's going to be difficult but she's determined haha. Other than that I plan on being a once-in-a-blue-moon drinker. I'm never around drinkers, my mom drinks a beer like once a month and my partner is 100% sober and has never drank anything, so it's not like I'll be missing out.

Well, it's 1am and I am tired so I better upload this before I pass out! I open AND close at the county library tomorrow (which is only 5 hours but I'm disabled) and I haven't stepped foot in there in nearly a year. I usually work at the city library but we're short staffed all around ヽ( ̄ω ̄〃)ゝ wish me luck.


September 24th, 2023 - Entry XIII

Ha. Last wednesday (I think, I can't remember exactly) I found out my top surgery was cancelled. Again. This time because insurance changed their policy on top surgery requiring HRT. The new rule is 12 months here, and I'm only on month 5 (almost 6). So. That's not great for me. I'll use some of the money I saved up for groceries on a binder because I grew out of mine last year and have been avoiding spending money on a new one since I was looking forward to not having anything to bind. I also spent some of the money on manga as a birthday present to myself (October 8th!) which will be here in two seperate orders, one coming before the 8th and one after lol. So at least I have something to look forward to I guess.

Honestly, I didn't have my hopes up for top surgery actually happening so I'm not really upset I guess? My mom is upset. She's pisssed on my behalf. As is my psychologist. He had written such a good letter telling insurance why I needed top surgery before the 12 months but they ignore it, unfortunately.

Also, Halloween is soon! I didn't plan a new costume because I was expecting to be recovering which is unfortunate, but I plan on wearing my comfort cosplay, Nico from Nanbaka in his Escape B4 outfit, when I hand out candy at the Frontier Village here in town. I hand out candy there every year.

After Halloween is Thanksgiving and Christmas, my least favorite holidays. I have food allergies and my family loves food so those two holidays are basically me watching people eat food I can't have while I eat the same things I always eat. But at least I get like. 50 bucks.


September 16th, 2023 - Entry XII

I'm so bad about journaling lmao. Anyway! Hi, it's been awhile. Nothing much has happened, really. My top surgery is (hopefully) next week, but I'm having some insurance issues so who knows, maybe we'll get to cancellation #3. I'm so anxious about this. I don't want to think about what will happen to my mental state if it's cancelled again but unfortunately my top surgery is pretty much the only thing on my mind. Wish me luck, I guess.


August 5th, 2023 - Entry XI

It's been awhile! sadly my top surgery was post poned. Again. Until the end of September. So I've been hella depressed about that (and only just managed to take the countdown down, oops. Maybe I'll put up a new one, maybe not.), but thanks to a medication change and a new top surgery date to look forward to, I'm starting feeling better! Next weekend I'm going to a Ren Faire in my state with a couple friends. I still haven't finished sewing my tabard, but I'll finish that this weekend hopefully haha.


June 9th, 2023 - Entry X

Oh Boy lots has happened. My top surgery was post-poned until the end of the month (I just updated the countdown to reflect that). OUr rent was raised drastically so we have to move by the end of the month. I decided I'm not moving out because my health has been shit and I don't think I could physically handle a full time job. Plus my family needs my income. I've been like suuuper depressed and spend most of my time sleeping. IDK, things have been rough lol.


May 7th, 2023 - Entry IX

I might have roommates lined up for December! I'm excited to move out but also so so nervous. My two friends invited me to join them when they move to the bigger city an hour away. My folks will be movong a state away soon and the bigger city is closer so I'm definitely okay with that. I just. Have to look for a job again. I've been at my current job for 2 years as of the end of this month, so I'm pretty comfortable with it. I hope I'm able to get a job at the library in the bigger city too. I enjoy working at the library here.


April 3rd, 2023 - Entry VIII

I STARTED TESTOSTERONE TODAY!! I wasn't expecting to start today but at the end of my appointment with the Endocrinologist he turned to me and asked if I wanted my first dose! Of COURSE I said yes! I even got to keep the vial :)


March 13th, 2023 - Entry VII

Been working on a lot of projects lately! From coding to art to 3d modeling, I've been keeping busy.


February 23rd, 2023 - Entry VI

Whooooo Snow Day! I got the day off AND I'm paid for it! I've been getting into sewing so I worked on a few projects today.

Pther than that not much interesting has happened. I've been pretty sleepy lately. I got a fitbit a few days ago and already I'm seeing that my sleep is shit lol. Only 6 hours a night? Jeez. I have no idea what to do to fix that unfortunately.


February 16th, 2023 - Entry V

I was going to have a 4 day weekend because the Library is closed on Monday, but I got called in last minute so only the usual 3 day weekend for me lol.

Anyway, I've started prepping a D&D campaign for me and my friends! I'm super excited about it. I hope it goes well, but considering I'm the one DMing it, I shouldn't get my hopes up aha.

I haven't heard much from my partner, I'm trying not to bother him too much. I'm worried I'm annoying lol. If I leave him be then he can message me whenever HE wants to chat, that way I'm not annoying and I don't interrupt him at all :)


February 12th, 2023 - Entry IV

I'm gonna be in the play! It's written by a local author so it'll be the first time it's ever on stage :) I'm excited. My part is fairly minor but it's very fun. I didn't realize how much I missed doing plays in school until now haha.

About my partner ignoring me: I was wrong. He was Going Through It and wasn't talking to anyone, really. I feel bad for jumping to conclusions, but communication is important, ya know? How am I supposed to be a decent partner when I can't even get a hold of you?

All the stuff I ordered for my top surgery recovery has arrived! Now I just need to thrift shop for button-ups and zip-up sweaters! My partner has been planning on taking me shopping for awhile now, so I plan on pestering him into taking me to Goodwill.


February 5th, 2023 - Entry III

My partner claims he's not ignoring me but it still feels like it. I'm definitely gonna stop messaging first... This sucks so bad. I kinda feel sick to my stomach. It's just anxiety... Gotta convince myself of that so I can chill.

On a positive note, I auditioned for a play. I hope I get a decent part lol. I even admitted I'm a trans man and would prefer a male part :) I was worried I'd chicken out entirely so I'm really proud of myself!


February 1st, 2023 - Entry II

I think my partner is ignoring me. It's very likely that I'm over-reacting / worrying too much but it seems like he's ignoring my texts. And I can't just call him because he has a wack sleep / work schedule because he's an EMT. I don't want to wake him or interrupt him, ya know? So I only text him. It's frustrating. I think I'm gonna stop texting first for awhile...

My mom gave me a $60 amazon gift card she got from work for me to buy stuff for my recovery from top surgery I bought a special pillow and bags to hold the drains! I'm so excited. I also scheduled an appointment with my gender therapist for a month before surgery. I'm so so excited. I can't wait.


January 29th, 2023 - Entry I

Summing up January, it wasn't all that bad. Looking at the mood tracker I keep, it was pretty neutral. I think there were 2 'good' days. I believe the first one was from when I finally got my top surgery date, and the other was from the (very late) staff holiday party I attended a few days ago for the library I work at. But yeah. I'm doing ok!

My top surgery date is June 7th, if we can get some insurance problems handled. I am so so excited but also so nervous. Mostly nervous that insurance won't work out. Less nervous about the actual permanently-body-altering surgery. I also talked to my gender therapist about hormones and have an appointment about that in February I think. I have so many appointments coming up it's hard to keep track of them all.

My christmas present to myself finally arrived yesterday. Ya know. A month after christmas... It's SID's OUTSIDER album! The special edition B version listened to 8/11 tracks last night before deciding to watch some netflix lol. It's not like I haven't heard the songs before! I just like owning physical copies! For funsies! I plan on listening to the last 3 songs and then watching the bonus DVD I wasn't expecting to get (I honestly didn't know I ordered a special edition version bc the site was in Japanese lol).

Christmas kinda sucked to be honest. I got a sweater, some pokemon cards, and the CD I bought for myself. That's it. I was pretty happy about that until I went over to my partner, Maven's place and he showed me all the things his friends and family bought him and I just kinda. Sat there trying to be happy for him. One of his gifts was clearly expensive. What's worse is my gift to him was so so lame compared to everything he got. I drew him with a scyth with his insta handle on it, and ordered a t-shirt of it since he wants to make himself into a #brand. He definitely lied when he said that it was the best gift he got. Compared to a record player? With his favorite album? Oof. I've felt bad about it for a month!

And I haven't gotten anything from him yet because he wants to take me shopping and has been super busy. So I kinda feel forgotten about but it's fine. It's not like he's my only IRL friend or anything (he is in fact my only IRL friend).

This entry was far longer than I intended it to be, but I needed to cover a lot, ok!?...Tomorrow I have a staff meeting at 8-9, then I have work from 4-8, then I'm staying the night at Maven's place. Far busier than my usual Monday, but I should be alright lol.