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September 16th, 2023 - Entry XII

I'm so bad about journaling lmao. Anyway! Hi, it's been awhile. Nothing much has happened, really. My top surgery is (hopefully) next week, but I'm having some insurance issues so who knows, maybe we'll get to cancellation #3. I'm so anxious about this. I don't want to think about what will happen to my mental state if it's cancelled again but unfortunately my top surgery is pretty much the only thing on my mind. Wish me luck, I guess.

August 5th, 2023 - Entry XI

It's been awhile! sadly my top surgery was post poned. Again. Until the end of September. So I've been hella depressed about that (and only just managed to take the countdown down, oops. Maybe I'll put up a new one, maybe not.), but thanks to a medication change and a new top surgery date to look forward to, I'm starting feeling better! Next weekend I'm going to a Ren Faire in my state with a couple friends. I still haven't finished sewing my tabard, but I'll finish that this weekend hopefully haha.

June 9th, 2023 - Entry X

Oh Boy lots has happened. My top surgery was post-poned until the end of the month (I just updated the countdown to reflect that). OUr rent was raised drastically so we have to move by the end of the month. I decided I'm not moving out because my health has been shit and I don't think I could physically handle a full time job. Plus my family needs my income. I've been like suuuper depressed and spend most of my time sleeping. IDK, things have been rough lol.

May 7th, 2023 - Entry IX

I might have roommates lined up for December! I'm excited to move out but also so so nervous. My two friends invited me to join them when they move to the bigger city an hour away. My folks will be movong a state away soon and the bigger city is closer so I'm definitely okay with that. I just. Have to look for a job again. I've been at my current job for 2 years as of the end of this month, so I'm pretty comfortable with it. I hope I'm able to get a job at the library in the bigger city too. I enjoy working at the library here.

April 3rd, 2023 - Entry VIII

I STARTED TESTOSTERONE TODAY!! I wasn't expecting to start today but at the end of my appointment with the Endocrinologist he turned to me and asked if I wanted my first dose! Of COURSE I said yes! I even got to keep the vial :)

March 13th, 2023 - Entry VII

Been working on a lot of projects lately! From coding to art to 3d modeling, I've been keeping busy.

February 23rd, 2023 - Entry VI

Whooooo Snow Day! I got the day off AND I'm paid for it! I've been getting into sewing so I worked on a few projects today.

Pther than that not much interesting has happened. I've been pretty sleepy lately. I got a fitbit a few days ago and already I'm seeing that my sleep is shit lol. Only 6 hours a night? Jeez. I have no idea what to do to fix that unfortunately.

February 16th, 2023 - Entry V

I was going to have a 4 day weekend because the Library is closed on Monday, but I got called in last minute so only the usual 3 day weekend for me lol.

Anyway, I've started prepping a D&D campaign for me and my friends! I'm super excited about it. I hope it goes well, but considering I'm the one DMing it, I shouldn't get my hopes up aha.

I haven't heard much from my partner, I'm trying not to bother him too much. I'm worried I'm annoying lol. If I leave him be then he can message me whenever HE wants to chat, that way I'm not annoying and I don't interrupt him at all :)

February 12th, 2023 - Entry IV

I'm gonna be in the play! It's written by a local author so it'll be the first time it's ever on stage :) I'm excited. My part is fairly minor but it's very fun. I didn't realize how much I missed doing plays in school until now haha.

About my partner ignoring me: I was wrong. He was Going Through It and wasn't talking to anyone, really. I feel bad for jumping to conclusions, but communication is important, ya know? How am I supposed to be a decent partner when I can't even get a hold of you?

All the stuff I ordered for my top surgery recovery has arrived! Now I just need to thrift shop for button-ups and zip-up sweaters! My partner has been planning on taking me shopping for awhile now, so I plan on pestering him into taking me to Goodwill.

February 5th, 2023 - Entry III

My partner claims he's not ignoring me but it still feels like it. I'm definitely gonna stop messaging first... This sucks so bad. I kinda feel sick to my stomach. It's just anxiety... Gotta convince myself of that so I can chill.

On a positive note, I auditioned for a play. I hope I get a decent part lol. I even admitted I'm a trans man and would prefer a male part :) I was worried I'd chicken out entirely so I'm really proud of myself!

February 1st, 2023 - Entry II

I think my partner is ignoring me. It's very likely that I'm over-reacting / worrying too much but it seems like he's ignoring my texts. And I can't just call him because he has a wack sleep / work schedule because he's an EMT. I don't want to wake him or interrupt him, ya know? So I only text him. It's frustrating. I think I'm gonna stop texting first for awhile...

My mom gave me a $60 amazon gift card she got from work for me to buy stuff for my recovery from top surgery I bought a special pillow and bags to hold the drains! I'm so excited. I also scheduled an appointment with my gender therapist for a month before surgery. I'm so so excited. I can't wait.

January 29th, 2023 - Entry I

Summing up January, it wasn't all that bad. Looking at the mood tracker I keep, it was pretty neutral. I think there were 2 'good' days. I believe the first one was from when I finally got my top surgery date, and the other was from the (very late) staff holiday party I attended a few days ago for the library I work at. But yeah. I'm doing ok!

My top surgery date is June 7th, if we can get some insurance problems handled. I am so so excited but also so nervous. Mostly nervous that insurance won't work out. Less nervous about the actual permanently-body-altering surgery. I also talked to my gender therapist about hormones and have an appointment about that in February I think. I have so many appointments coming up it's hard to keep track of them all.

My christmas present to myself finally arrived yesterday. Ya know. A month after christmas... It's SID's OUTSIDER album! The special edition B version listened to 8/11 tracks last night before deciding to watch some netflix lol. It's not like I haven't heard the songs before! I just like owning physical copies! For funsies! I plan on listening to the last 3 songs and then watching the bonus DVD I wasn't expecting to get (I honestly didn't know I ordered a special edition version bc the site was in Japanese lol).

Christmas kinda sucked to be honest. I got a sweater, some pokemon cards, and the CD I bought for myself. That's it. I was pretty happy about that until I went over to my partner, Maven's place and he showed me all the things his friends and family bought him and I just kinda. Sat there trying to be happy for him. One of his gifts was clearly expensive. What's worse is my gift to him was so so lame compared to everything he got. I drew him with a scyth with his insta handle on it, and ordered a t-shirt of it since he wants to make himself into a #brand. He definitely lied when he said that it was the best gift he got. Compared to a record player? With his favorite album? Oof. I've felt bad about it for a month!

And I haven't gotten anything from him yet because he wants to take me shopping and has been super busy. So I kinda feel forgotten about but it's fine. It's not like he's my only IRL friend or anything (he is in fact my only IRL friend).

This entry was far longer than I intended it to be, but I needed to cover a lot, ok!?...Tomorrow I have a staff meeting at 8-9, then I have work from 4-8, then I'm staying the night at Maven's place. Far busier than my usual Monday, but I should be alright lol.

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