My older sibling helped me cut my hair :D It's short now bc dysphoria + it was too high maintenance + it's fucking hot out lol. It looks good! The way ne cut it makes my faded and grown out hair dye look like baby bird feathers... IDK how to explain it but it's super cute! Ne were worried I wouldn't like it but I love it lol.

No other news I don't think?? I have an appointment tomorrow (boooo) and have to drive an hour and a half to get there (double booooo)

I'm SICK of the HEAT!!

I spent 30 minutes searching for something I misplaced (which I did find) and by the time I found it (a sewing pattern I need to cut out) I was too warm to lock myself in my hot room to work on it! Then, when I try to cut it out later the scissors I had weren't working for the pattern paper! It's 11pm I am NOT going on a wild goose chase testing out every pair of scissors in the house. Plus it's FUCKING HOT so by the time I had moved stuff in my room and spread out the pattern I was already toasty! I'm sick of this shit but I have a DEADLINE so tommorrow after work I'll find scissors and hopefully get at least SOME of the pattern cut out.

I don't work Wednesday so I'll DEFINITELY get some work done then. Tuesday I work in the morning and then I have an appointment an hour and a half away so there's like no way I'm getting anything done that day (chronically ill + chronic fatigue + chronic pain, gotta pace myself).

But yeah. It's so hot I napped for 1 (one) hour and woke up damp from sweat. I'm sick of this bullshit (I live in the upper midwest so I really shouldn't complain...)

Was super lazy today, didn't do much. I'm trying to get back into daily journalling, so look forward to that. I work tomorrow unfortunately, hopefully it isn't too boring!

ough Pokémon... started making a Fakemon region for fun! Uhhhhh other than that I don't really have much of an update? OH! top surgery recovery has been going super well 👍 that is all

It's been awhile! I've been hyperfixating on Pokémon and the Pokémon IRL community on Tumblr. I went back to work last Monday and it's been going well. Uhhh I started a new website for Pokémon IRL stuff, NeoSkitties! It's a pun on Neocities and the Pokémon Skitty.

I think that's about it lol back to Pokémon shit

I did a lot of website stuff today and not much else LOL.

trying to figure out how to efficiently reorganize my site folders... might just archive the current version of the site and start from scratch organization-wise. Like I'd reupload all my pages and such eventually, it just might take awhile... much to consider

Anyway! Tomorrow I have my post-op appointment. Hopefully I will get permission to stop with at least the bandages. I'll survive wearing the compression vest for longer if necesary but the bandages are a nuisance. Also, I have a stitch peeking out that keeps getting caught on things. Annoying and a wee bit painful.

My old penpal just DMed me on Tumblr after disappearing 2 years ago?? I honestly was sure I'd never hear from them again! I'm really glad to know they're at least not dead. I was asleep when they messaged me so I didn't get a response to my reply to them but I'm looking forward to talking to them again. Maybe we can be penpals again!

In other news, I went shopping with my mom today and on our way home my grandma messaged my mom saying she was coming over with my aunt (OOF) so we sped home and decided to sit outside so they wouldn't go inside and see how much of a mess our living room is right now (mom is going through things right now so there's piles and boxes everywhere)... Only for Grandma to message back saying she wasn't actually coming over because our car wasn't there when they got there. How annoying! I wish they'd given us more of a heads-up that they wanted to come over.

Other than that, I slept most of the day again oops.

Got my other drain removed. I am in so much less pain with it gone and the nurse said I'm healing very nicely. Otherwise I didn't do much again today lol.

Another uneventful day. I got my testosterone shot and walked to the library (only a few blocks away) and spent the rest of the day being lazy.

Wanted to document my transition so I spent a few hours on that. Otherwise today was uneventful.

First shower post-op today and washed the compression vest they gave me to wear. It was weird being without the vest for so long. Kinda uncomfortable. I made the mistake at looking at where the drain sticks out from inside me. Made me feel sick. But I'm good now, just very very sleepy!

Man, it's really hard to keep track of the days right now. All I do is sleep and watch Netflix and YouTube. I'm trying so hard to work on a ref sheet for one of my OCs before Art Fight starts but I'm so so tired! I barely do anything and I get sleepy.

Hopefully this will go away as I recover. Not knowing what day it is is really disorienting

Spent much of the day sleeping again. My cat slept under my blanket with me for awhile, which was very nice. I really should be doing art for Art Fight but boy I've been far too tired! Hopefully I'll be feeling better once Art Fight actually starts so I can knock off an attack or two.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Back to sleeping I go!

I forgot to write a journal entry yesterday because the meds I'm on have made me so drowsy I can't keep track of time LOL. Luckily, not much has happened. I've been sleeping a ton but that's about it.

My mom is changing the lightbulb on the lamp next to my recliner in the living room so I don't have to ask for help turning it on and off, I'll have a remote for it instead. After that we have to change my bandages and then I can go back to sleep lol.

My pain has been very well managed throughout this so I'm not in much pain at all ever.

MEDICAL / BLOOD WARNING

Wowie! first of all, my pain has been expertly managed! I feel really good honestly, just super tired. All the nurses were super nice and great at their jobs. The surgeon was also super nice and great at his job!

I went home at around 11 (1.5ish hour drive). The drive was pretty uneventful, I nodded off a few times but the rest of the drive was spent talking to my mom (the driver) and listening to music.

When we got home it was pretty easy to get comfy in my recliner. I sat there, watched some Netflix and nodded off again. The real excitement happened when we tried to change my bandages at around 7?

So I had 2 drains in, one on either side, and only one of them was collecting drainage. We had talked to the surgeon before we left about it and he was unconcerned. Unfortunately, when we moved the bandages away out came a bunch of drainage AROUND the drain, spilling down my leg! Not good! So we drove to the ER where they called my surgeon and were told to just remove the drain entirely on that side. So they pulled it out! Ooof! it had been kinked just below the skin, so of course it wasn't collecting drainage! Now I just have a gap in my stitches were drainage will leak into some gauze.

Here's to no more excitement!

This is written on my phone, sorry!

top surgery went super well! I haven't seen what I look like yet but I feel so much better. I'll be heading home tomorrow and will make a longer journal entry the!

Wow, less than 24 hours until my top surgery... I'm anxious yet it doesn't feel real! I have pretty much everything ready, I just have a few things to pack in the morning (my laptop, for one, so I can update my journal!) and I have to shower with special soap tonight and in the morning, doctor's orders.

I kinda slept all day. I was exhausted from yesterday's walking and took a bunch of naps today. That's ok, I didn't have much I needed to do today since I've been packing for well over a week for this. Everything I could need has been moved so I can reach them without stretching or crouching, including clothes and snacks.

The DM for my pathfinder group just reached out to check on my mom and me because we've had the game on pause for awhile due to just how busy we've been. As soon as I'm feeling well enough I hope to get the game started up again!

I think that's all I have to say today. Wish me luck for tomorrow, ok?

Today was the Ren Faire! I had a lot of fun & will talk more about that in the short article I'm writing about it, which will be posted tomorrow (hopefully). I had a lot of fun and was invited to an anime convention in September, as well as next year's Ren Faire! Monday is my top surgery, so I have lots of stuff to double check tomorrow, but I should be all set other than washing my bedding and such.

My feet hurt from walking so much, but it was a ton of fun. I can't wait until next year!

Tomorrow my busy weekend starts! I'll be up bright and early (around 7 am) to finish getting ready for the Ren Faire! My friend will pick me up and we'll leave town at 9 am! We'll be in Fargo (where the Faire is) at around 10:30 to pick up our other friend and head to the Faire!

I'm really excited! I had so much fun last year, I hope this year is just as fun. I'm tempted to buy a sword while I'm there, but I'm torn because I'll be carrying a walking stick everywhere (I'm disabled LOL) so I don't know how a sort would look with that. I'll make my decision when I see the price tags probably!

Well, I'm pretty much ready to go, all that's left is to pack food in the morning! Goodnight!

I got a call from the surgeon's nurse today regarding my top surgery. God I was so nervous thinking she was calling because the surgery was cancelled. Again. But no! it was just a bunch of pre-op instructions. So we're still on for Monday! Yippee!

In other news, I got shot in the ass today (testosterone shot) and then had to work 5pm-8pm. I hate working evenings, they're soooo boring! And the person I worked with today is so talkative! Literally every half hour he'd come downstairs and just start talking T-T I'm so bad at conversation!

Other than that, today was uneventful! Which I suppose is a good thing! No news is good news or whatever.

Today was pretty average. I worked from 10-2 and spent most of that time blacking out barcodes on withdrawn books. I also helped my coworker with planning future storytimes! I suggested doing one on first responders and mentioned my friend is an EMT. My coworker asked if I'd ask if he'd be willing to read a couple books to kids in October! I asked him and he hasn't responded yet LOL.

I got pretty sick about half an hour before my shift ended but I fought through it! I'm in a pretty bad stomach flare up, so eating anything is a gamble. Today all I did was eat some fruit snacks and that was enough to trigger a painful stomach ache :(. I'm ok though! I survived!

In other news, I'm on the hunt for new recipes! It's been awhile since I tried something new! If anyone actually reads my journal entries and has some good recipes (anything as long as it doesn't have nuts, corn, or carrots!) please send them to me~! my email is ansehelm.onlywonder@gmail.com

my top surgery date is quickly approaching and I'm getting more and more antsy about it... Wish me luck, okay?

I woke up early again today. Spent the morning chatting on discord and not much else.

I worked 12-5 today and spent most of that time shifting books, which takes A Lot of effort and time. When I took a break from shifting books I got a chance to read some manga. I'm currently on volume 2 of Magus of The Library! It's really good so far. The art style is gorgeous and I love the character design.

I'm still in a pretty bad stomach flare up so I'm currently ~in pain~ but I will survive I guess

As my top surgery date draws closer I'm getting more and more worried about insurance denying me, but there's nothing I can do about that so I'm trying not to think about it until it does or does not happen

Wow today feels like it's dragging on! I woke up early and haven't been tired enough for a nap, which is very very rare for me! I went shopping this morning for supplies to make patches for my jacket. My mom cleaned the whole house in anticipation of my top surgery, making sure all my stuff is easy to access. I finished the bag for my next cosplay (pretty much, there's one thing left to do) with her help, and she also altered my ren faire pants so they fit better.

And all that was done by 3pm! I have everything ready for ren faire and top surgery, I just need to pack the day before each of them. I'm so excited!

The friend who is taking me to the ren faire messaged me last night checking in on me, making sure I still wanted to go! I'm so so excited! My costume is pretty much the same as last year with some improvements (like the bag and the boots!), I'll be sure to post pictures of my fit like I did last year!

I also sat and watched my mom and older sibling fish for awhile! That was nice!!

Hello, it's me again! I worked today, all alone in the children's library...until the library director came in to work in his office, just a few feet from the children's desk. Well, before he got there I printed off and cut out some stencils for my jacket! I'm gonna make patches! I'm excited! Let's ignore the fact I was doing that instead of like. Shelf reading or something. Ya know, library things.

The rest of the work day was sooooo boring! I shelf read for like an hour (oof) and then watched movies/DVDs that were mended to make sure they didn't skip anymore. Not movies I'm interested in. No. I was forced to watch Duck Dynasty episodes and the end of a Batman movie (only the ending because someone else already reviewed the majority of the movie).

When I got home my family went fishing so I took a nap (I don't like fishing, I'd just sit there and listen to music lol). It was a very good 2 hour nap. Then I cleaned out my snack cupboard in anticipation of my top surgery (8 days left!). My family got home shortly after that so I didn't start any other projects LOL.

I have some Ren Faire stuff I have to locate, and I have to decorate my walking stick (my mom gave it to me, since I use a cane when I do a lot of walking! She figured a walking stick would suit the event better). I also need to buy some tissues for my bag, since last year I got makeup in my eye and DIED because I didn't have tissues! Oh, and I have to alter my pants to fit better. I'm short and fat so I had to buy a 2xl and the company clearly expected a tall person when making these pants smh. I'll be doing that tomorrow with help from my mom (I'm still a novice sewist).

Been listening to a lot of XAAXAA recently... figured I'd give them a quick shout out since they're occupying my brain so much! They're a Visual Kei band~ I should make a list of the VKei bands I like eventually!

Not too much happened today. I cleaned my room a bit more, it's good enough for now. I also had to run into work to pick up a new key finally. My boss wasn't there though! So I had to ask one of my coworkers where she kept the new keys! Luckily she was able to find them and give me one.

While I was there I printed off fishing licenses for my siblings and mom (I don't like fishing lol). I paid for one of them as a gift for my older sibling.

I tried decorating a walking stick with fake leaves but the tape I bought wasn't working very well, so I'll have to find a different way to decorate it... I have only a week to do so so I'll likely just skip it for this year's Ren Faire.

I also have to alter my Ren Faire pants to fit better, which I will likely do tomorrow after work.

I believe this makes 7 consecutive days of journaling! Cool beans. Anyway, I worked today and spent half of it shelving books again. After I finished shelving books I was tasked with moving picture books down a shelf to make more room for easy reader books.

It's a huge project and I didn't even get halfway done! There ended up being an entire shelf of space in the middle of the picture books so, before I headed home, I had to make a picture book display so the blank space wouldn't look so ugly. I ended up doing a book display on colors but was very careful to avoid 'pride' imagery (like rainbows) because we try to stay ~non-political~ with the children's stuff. Which is lame but whatever.

Other than work, nothing interesting has happened today. My cat is still claiming that blanket, he's just too cute. Here's a recent-ish picture of him sleeping on my lap, coincidentally on the blanket he refuses to let me wash.

Well, enjoy the cat picture. I'm gonna try and find something to entertain me (I'm between hyperfixations, sadly lol).

I slept most of today, oops. My mom and I both think I might have narcolepsy, but it's one of those diagnosis that is a matter of eliminating all other possibilities. Either way, I sleep way more than I should need to. Slept from 10pm to 2pm today :/ I was up briefly to move myself from my bed to the chair in the living room but other than that I was out cold.

So I didn't get around to cleaning my room, which was my goal today. Maybe I'll at least do a bit before bed... We'll see how tired I am then (currently fighting to keep my eyes open and it's only 7pm...)

We went to the store today, I was hoping to buy washi tape there but they didn't have any so I bought from Jet Pens again. I spend way too much money on that site LOL.

Anyway, there was a dust storm up by the store so getting to and from the car was a disaster. Of course I made the bad decision to wear a hat and it tried to blow away! In my (successful) attempt to get my hat I dropped my phone on the concrete -_- Luckily the screen protector didn't crack any more than it was already! I almost drove away without it though because I didn't notice when it slipped out of my pocket!

In other news, my cat's boo-boos are healing nicely. He's feeling better overall too! Less clingy is always a good sign with him, he usually gets super clingy when he's not feeling well. He's also been sleeping on a blanket in the laundry room that's waiting to be washed. I swear anytime I think of washing it he's laying there so cute! I can't disturb his sleeps, ya know?

Another day another journal entry! First up I have to complain. The city library's back door's key was changed so I asked my boss for a new one and she didn't have one for me. I open on Saturday so I need a new key before then. Problem is, I don't work over at the city library anymore this week. I work over at the county library Thursday and I'm off Wednesday and Friday. So I have to make a special trip to the city library just to get a key smh. How annoying!

In other news! I worked in the children's section of the city library today watching the desk during story time. We had 20 kids for story time, which was already a good turn out, but then... The learning center in town brought 15 kids over... Our poor library is not set up for that many people. Oh it was so overwhelming! I was the only one at the desk for awhile there too!

I was so so glad when everyone left and I could BREATH... The rest of my shift was pretty average. Got paint on my hands while prepping take-n-make kits though LOL.

I got super sick after I got home though! I'm in a chronic illness flare up and it thankfully didn't bother me until I got home but OOF did it kick my ass. I almost threw up and had to lock myself in the bathroom for awhile orz

Well, I think that's it for today!

Another day another journal entry! Today I went to work for 2.5 hours and then I had my pre-op with my primary care doctor. I am healthy enough for surgery (yippee).

My poor cat scratched his head bloody again, so we had to run to the vet and get him some meds for it (a steroid for the swelling and an ointment to promote healing). The meds & the visit came to $65... oof. He's lucky he's the light of my life! I adore him!

I am so so tired today but if I go to bed now my body will consider it a nap and I'll be awake in a few hours. So I've got to stay awake until at LEAST 10!

progress on my cosplay. Chronic fatigue makes this a slow process but any progress is good progress, yeah? I'm so close to done with the bag, then I have a few miscellaneous things I can work on before I have my top surgery on the 17th. Once I've recovered from that I can finally work on the jumpsuit.

Other than that, I didn't do much today. It was a lazy day and now it's storming so I'm pretty content (I love rain and storms!). I only work 12-2:30 tomorrow instead of the usual 12-5. I have my pre-op with my primary care provider at 3.

I am also waiting a reply from my gender therapist, and if he doesn't message back tomorrow I'll be messaging him again. I'm so anxious to get the OK from insurance. If they deny me again I don't know what I'd do. I've followed all their arbitrary rules so I should be good

Oh wow the storm is really picking up. I should hurry up an upload this in case the power goes out! Bye!

Hello, it's me again! I'm trying to journal daily, so be prepared for short entries! I've been working slowly on some sewing for my next Cosplay (Nico from Nanbaka). The instructions for the next step are pretty confusing though so I'm going to see if I can convince my mom to help me tomorrow!

Otherwise not much has happened since yesterday. My family is currently getting ready to go fishing (I'm staying home because I don't like fishing + it's going to be fairly busy due to it being a free fishing weekend, meaning you don't need a license to fish).

My mood is pretty good today. probably a 4/5. I'm just chillin'

The first night was pouring rain so we just stayed inside and got settled.

The next day, we visited the Beltrami County History Center! It was pretty cool and I bought a postcard for my penpal and a t-shirt!

After that we started following the Sculpture Walk, starting at Paul Bunyan and Babe. The sculptures we saw were all made of metal and were really neat! Along the way we came across my favorite place we visited, the Headwaters Science Center. There was a LOT of cool stuff there, including some rabbits, fish, an axolotl, and a bunch of reptiles and amphibians. My brother held like 4 different snakes!

I bought some small things from the giftshop there too! I got some crystals, including a tiger eye necklace! I also bought some weird dice! I got 2 'double dice', which are a d6 inside a transparent d6, 3 mini d6s (which are so so small!), and a ladybug themed d6 for my Penpal, who likes bugs.

Afterwards, I took a short nap before joining my family at the beach / dock behind the cabin. We had got a fishing license for my older sibling as a surprise so ne went fishing and caught like 5 small fish! We didn't keep any of them because they were so small but it was still fun seeing how excited ne got each time ne caught something!

The water was SO COLD so I only stuck my feet in the water. My cousins and little brother played on some paddle boards and searched for snail shells. They found a really big one that was empty!

I had a lot of fun and I'm glad I agreed to go with.

And don't get me started on the fact we've been open for the City Library hours (9:30-8) rather than the County's usual hours (12-5).None of our patrons really know that we've been open for those hours so the people who have been working from 4-8 get like zero patrons. The night I worked 4-8 me and my coworker ended up just talking about retro video games, anime, manga, and JRock for 3 hours. It was fun but like. That's not what work should be, ya know? I felt like it was a waste of time more than anything!

Anyway, enough about work. I forgot I was a human with friends for like. 3? months? and just. didn't message anyone back oops... I replied to someone's Snap story yesterday and his response was "YOU! where have you BEEN" which made me realize that I've been doing that. It's something I do pretty often but I usually at least message my sorta-partner since he gets upset if I don't message first sometimes (rightfully so I guess?) but I forgor. He's not mad thankfully lmao.

This year I started working regularly over at the County Library rather than just the City Library. Both libraries are in the same city and work together as a Library System so it's not like I got a new job or anything, just moved to a different location for the majority of my shifts.

I don't mind much. The County Library is closer to my house so I walk home on a regular basis, which is super nice. We also have more to do than during the evenings at the City Library, which was what I was working previously. Now I work daytime at both locations, just more at the County Library.

I started working with a medical advocate and a social worker so they're helping me get food stamps and assistance with bills, as well as helping me get physical therapy and councelling/therapy (which I have had a hard time getting because the rest of my family gets councelling through our local clinic and the therapists don't like councelling multiple family members. There just aren't enough therapists at the clinic, so we're looking elsewhere for me). I haven't had therapy (excluding gender therapy) since I was a teen so I'm nervous but GOD do I need it lol.

Recently, I went to a my state's capital city for an appointment and stopped at Barnes & Noble. I bought so so many graphic novels I had so much fun lol.

I also got my problem teeth pulled finally! After 6 months of AGONY I feel so so much better. Recovery was a BREEZE compared to the pain I was in before. Wisdom teeth suck so so much I am so glad mine are gone.

Now, future things... I have a(nother) top surgery consultation on April 17th. I hope we can get my top surgery scheduled ASAP so I can go off of Testosterone (something I've wanted for like 6 months, but insurance refuses to pay for my surgery without me being on T for a year prior to it (* ￣︿￣)). Like don't get me wrong T is awesome and did cool things to my body, but I'm where I want to be now and the only benefit to staying on T right now is the lack of periods.

My primary care provider is 100% on board with getting me a hysteretomy as birth control though so that's cool. Would love to get rid of the Problem Organ.

Anyway, I'm super excited about the chance of Top Surgery... I've been invited to a Ren Faire and an Anime Convention but have avoided making plans purely because I'd rather have my tits gone than enjoy a day out with friends. I'd enjoy both the Ren Faire and the Anime Convention so so much more if I was flat chested, ya know? I have costumes in the works for both though, just incase I'm able to go lol.

In other future news: I'm saving up for a gaming laptop! It's gonna cost me like $2000+ USD so it's gonna take a hot second to save up for but I'm gonna do it ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ Wish me luck (and consider commissioning me for art?)! I'm gonna TRY (hard emphasis on try) to write journal entries at least once a month, prefereably closer to once a week, but we'll see how that goes. No promises lol.